Inga M. Beck

At a very early age, around six or so, I learned that it was better not to want anything because then I would not suffer the pain of disappointment. When my friends got fancy new clothes, I got hand-me-downs. When my friends got new expensive toys or skates or bikes, I got bare necessities and again, hand-me-downs. The exception was Christmas, then I got clothes, the occasional doll or box of legos, and books, which I loved.

For years I never set my goal very high, getting home from work before my favorite show started (growing up on a farm I had to work a lot as a child), finishing my homework relatively fast so I could have some time with my friends, getting some pancakes on a Sunday (which after the age of 11 I usually just made myself if I wanted them) or getting through a whole day without someone mocking me, picking on me, shouting at me, hitting me (4 older siblings actually makes that a pretty ambitious goal) or crying, be it myself or anyone else I cared about.

Granted, a life free of disappointment could be pretty great. But if you never want anything, you will never feel the joy of getting it. If you don’t want anything, you wont try hard and succeed (or fail, which is often the case). I’m not talking about a new car or the latest I-phone or whatever you can get for a wad of money. I’m talking about something like wanting someone in your life who cares about you and accepts you for who you are, wanting someone who will hold you and listen to you, wanting friends and companions who respect you and know you. I’m talking about wanting to do something that makes you happy rather than something that will just help with that next phone bill. I’m talking about wanting just about anything that takes effort and often the support of others to achieve.

It has taken me too long to realize that I deserve to have what I want in life.  I’ve spent years doing things to make others happy, rather than doing things to make myself happy. I dated guys that could not give me anything, but took everything I had to give, an alcoholic, a clinically depressed person, a selfish person… and when I found someone who could give me everything, I felt I did not deserve them.

Of course when you’ve spent so long trying hard to want nothing, finding what you want is no simple task.  But I think I’m on the right track. I’ve stopped letting the fear of disappointment control me. Disappointment is part of life. Shakespeare wrote: “Some are born great, some achieve greatness, and some have greatness thrust upon them”. With all due respect to poor jilted Malvolio who thought he was about to fall into the last category, I would definitely prefer to achieve greatness.

Seeing as I’m not a competitive person and quite reserved, I will probably never achieve an abundance of greatness, but greatness nonetheless. My own little victories will be enough for me. When I reach for the stars,  they will not laugh at me, they will smile at my efforts and when I fail they will teach me to try harder or try somewhere else. One should never be made to feel bad for asking for what they want or going for what they want and failing. It should be encouraged. Even in a 6 year old with four older siblings in a household that is very short on cash and oportunities.

Lucky for me, even though I stopped wishing and hoping, I never stopped dreaming. And I never will. Not as long as I shall live, I will never again stop reaching for the stars.