Inga M. Beck

I want to share some of the things that bother me about today’s culture, and I’m going to refer to them as my personal pet peeves. The following is pet peeve number one.

 

The “take the hint” culture.

 

The number one thing that I find is very strong in us humans is the notion that if some person you find undesirable  whether it be someone who just wants to be your friend or someone who is stalking you and wants to marry you, have all your children and grow little plants in your shoes (but only the left ones), all you have to do is give them “a hint”.

I find this one especially strange, seeing as we are also known to have very selective hearing and vision. We see and hear what we want to. We’ve all experienced it, in ourselves and/or others.

Now I’m not going to try and tell you that I’ve never done this myself. I have, mostly because I am really bad at social situations, can’t handle them, so often it’s easier to be rude and ignore people and even walk away.

For example about two or three years ago I was taking a class at the university, not a lot of students maybe 20 or 30 people, but I didn’t know a single person in there. There was one familiar face in there however, a guy I had taken a class with before, so I just said “hey” and sat next to him. There was some small talk and I offered to lend him some printouts I had (from when I had started that class before but had to quit due to a bit of a personal crisis). It was simple and easy for me as he was even more socially awkward than I was. Except one day, after class, he followed me to another building and cornered me when I stopped at the ATM and started asking me, slowly, with a stutter and in Japanese (which is what we were both studying) if I had a boyfriend or girlfriend etc. Being insanely uncomfortable as there were a lot of people around and having finished my ATM business before he had managed to ask the question he was trying to get to, I quickly excused myself and walked away.

I’m not proud of that, it was rude and insensitive. However, when I got home I sat down at my computer, found his email in the student list and answered his intended question with an eloquent, thanks, but no thanks. He appreciated the gesture, of course, nobody knows what another person is thinking without them actually saying it.

However awkward that moment may have been, probably for both of us, I’m immensely proud of the guy for actually gathering the courage to do something like that. By the time I was old enough to date people, everyone had mobile phones which resulted in people moving all such potentially awkward moments into text messages (that or they gathered the courage for face to face communication with alcohol, never a good idea).

I make an effort, whenever I suspect someone of being more attached to me then I am comfortable with, to clarify what said person means to me. Even if the odds are that I am wrong, I try to make sure a friend knows he or she is just a friend to me, an acquaintance or if I would consider something more.

Now I am not the most skillful social person, actually I often find speaking to another human being through a computer or phone better than in person (and yet I find phone-calls uncomfortable), which maybe is not surprising as I am a writer, so the written word for me is much easier than the spoken one. But I am baffled by the number of times that people I have tried to befriend have turned to lies, excuses and even plain ignoring when I have stepped over their boundaries and asked them to give more than they are willing to give.

I ask you: Have we humans come so far away from the animal that we are incapable of good old honesty? Am I not a better person when I tell a friend, who I know would want more than friendship from me, when offered a beer that he may in fact buy me one as a friendly gesture? And is that human being not also a better person for saying “hey friend, lets have a beer, but be aware that I may hit on you once I’m drunk”?

We humans are born with a great tolerance for disappointment and grief. Don’t be disrespectful and wait for someone to “take the hint”, don’t expect another human being to read your mind, and don’t be afraid of friend-zoning. Make your boundaries clear and don’t feel guilty that what you want may be more or less than what the other person is willing to give.

Which brings me to another thing in modern society which I can’t stand: The I’ve been friend-zoned complaint. Covered in the next post…