Inga M. Beck

Before we start a new chapter of our lives we tend to look back on the last one thinking “am I really the same person that I was before the last chapter?” “is everything the same?” Feeling that the answer is “yes” is a disappointment. But even if it may seem like it, it rarely is the answer. No matter how little a chapter has revealed there is always something, some little thing that somehow changes who we are or how we think.

I recently ended a chapter of my life. Not only the year 2012 as I’m wildly guessing most of us have, but also my four months in France. I find it strange to look back and think that I was hesitant to go. I had always wanted to spend time abroad, working or studying but somehow had always been too afraid for something so big or found some reason to postpone anything of the sort. Amazingly the fact that I lost my beloved big brother in a horrible car accident in March 2012 was both the reason I decided to finally go and the reason I was afraid to. I was afraid to be away from my family and friends after such a shock, even if there were 5 months passed by the time of my departure. I was even afraid that I might lose someone else while I was away. But I felt keenly how fast and completely without warning your life can be gone. I remember thinking that when that happens to me, I don’t want my last thoughts to be thoughts of regret. So, off I went.

Those four months were wonderful months. Only once did I wake up crying after a dream about my brother, so tangible that waking up was almost like experiencing the loss all over again. It was in fact a welcome dream, to know that even if I was far away from home in a foreign country, he was still there with me, in my dreams. He was a source of added strength and endurance. Being abroad trying to acquire some skill in a foreign language and get to know a foreign culture is no easy task and being as shy and reserved as I am did not make it easier. But I did it.

What I loved most about my time abroad was the variety of it. It wasn’t all fun and games and tourist attractions. It was hard work, humiliation, frustration, disappointment, boredom, flu, migraines, tooth aches even heart break. But it was laughs, joy, art, fun, love, respect, ambition, reward and friendship too. And I loved every minute of it. The good times AND the bad times. I believe I owe that ability to enjoy every moment, good or bad, to my writing. In every situation I can stop and think ‘hey, this would make a good story’. Every week, sometimes every day, I would sit down at my computer and write down things that happened to me, what I felt about them, what I thought others might be feeling and their impact and meaning. Sometimes these little things inspired something bigger. Sometimes they were just a way of getting emotions out. For a person whose biggest means of expression and humor is words and wordplay, being unable to communicate properly to coworkers and others around her is an ordeal. I know I could have sometimes worked harder at studying the language and trying to use it. But there simply wasn’t enough time, nor energy for it.

Some of the people I was around every day and every week didn’t think I enjoyed it very much. They were wrong. They also don’t realize what a great thing they did for me, sometimes by doing nothing at all. When I look back at that time abroad and when I look at myself now, and myself before, I know how much it meant. Not just for improving my french, which I did greatly, but also improving myself. I’ve come back a stronger person, there was a challenge and I faced it and came out victorious. I have stronger faith in myself now, I know myself better. I know what I am capable of. Moreover I know what I still need to work on, what could have gone better. By stepping so far out of my comfort zone I got up close and personal with my weaknesses and my strengths.

If I could do it all over again tomorrow, I would. Essentially I am the same person I was, but there is more to me now. I am ready for the next chapter. It would not be so, without all the people I met, all the people I worked with, all the people I talked with. For the little thing of being there, I thank you. You are all part of me forever.